Just when you thought the woke monster couldn’t add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto 6:
1. You must pick pronouns during character creation: No one starts unleashing violence and mayhem on the city without first announcing if it’s her, him, or xem in the car.
2. Police won’t chase you if you’re a black character: If you go inside a building, they will also give you an hour before they try to enter.
3. Players will have a carbon footprint score in addition to a health meter: Driving around will decrease your score, but you can run over people to eliminate their carbon footprint and make up for it.
4. If you burn down a building, the city builds a statue in your honor: And you torch an entire neighborhood, you get the city named after you.
5. You immediately get a 5-star wanted level if you misgender an NPC: How dare you!! You’re supposed to shoot them in the face!
6. There will be side missions where you deliver puberty blockers to kids: Now you are on the right side of history.
7. If the police do catch you, Kamala Harris will bail you out: Well, assuming you were burning down a poor neighborhood.
8. Stealing less than $999 is no longer a crime: Add up your loot carefully.
9. Bump stocks are no longer available on guns: Game designers are confident this is the key to reducing the body count.
10. Citizens come by to cheer prostitutes who embody female empowerment: Grand Theft Auto was teaching female empowerment before female empowerment was cool.
11. You beat the game by ridding yourself of privilege: Best we can tell this means you just run over the white people.
Welcome to the new age, Grand Theft Auto!
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