BRUSSELS — In response to Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin's war with Ukraine resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands of soldiers and civilians, the European Union has unanimously voted to designate Putin “a real jerk.”
This official designation serves as the EU's most severe, surpassing “A big ol' meanie face,” and “Wow, just wow.”
“Let this be a lesson to Putin and his cronies that we Europeans don't take invasions lightly,” said the president of the European Union, Franz Pierre Guttierez. “The warmonger is surely shaking in his sarafan at the very thought of what kind of official designation we would slap him with were he to engage in nuclear war.”
Foreign policy analysts across the globe are dismayed at the EU's violent use of official designations at a time when so much blood has already been spilled. Some fear this vote to call Putin “a real jerk” could trigger a global holocaust of nations launching bad words at each other.
At publishing time, the EU declared Ukraine's Volodymyr Zelensky “a swell guy in need of more money.”
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