NEW YORK, NY — After two seasons of fighting the evils of racism through the act of painting words on fake grass, the NFL is hoping a third year of “End Racism” painted in the end zone will finally do the trick.
Executives for the NFL voted unanimously to fight racism with the powerful phrase spelled out in end zones for the third year in a row, confident that it will make a lasting difference.
“This is the year that the NFL ends racism, once and for all. Third time’s the charm!” said Commissioner Jim Hardleather at a press conference while surrounded by a dozen other old, white members of the NFL executive committee who also showed the courage to not dare recommend removing “End Racism” from the end zones for fear of being canceled.
“Commissioner Hardleather,” asked one journalist, “How, exactly, do you suppose painting ‘End Racism’ in the end zones will end racism?”
The commissioner responded by pointing at the journalist and screeching, “Racist! Racist!” The journalist was summarily executed by a mob of other sports journalists and a bunch of old white NFL executives in the name of ending racism for good.
Some experts say racism has adopted a new identity, though the NFL declined to say whether or not they would paint end zones with “End Anti-Racism.”
At publishing time, the NFL announced that next year they will seek to help their star players by writing “Stop beating your girlfriends” on the 50-yard-line.
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